a red head in viet nam

i just got off the subway and forgot what country i was in kind of. that happens sometimes. like i got off at my stop and walked for half a block and the vietnamese guys who own this dry cleaners were outside, there were like 8 of them taking up the sidewalk, smoking and sitting on the fire hydrant/in the chairs that they keep outside, and yelling/talking. it made me feel, for a split second, like i honestly wasnt in america. it brought back this weird sensation i had in china a lot where you realize that there is NO WAY they even think you are one of them....they dont even think you can understand them. you are just totally 'other'. i think that's a good feeling to have every now and then for obvious reasons.

mostly what it made me think about, though, was my dad (also for obvious reasons, i guess). sometimes when i think about how my dad did 3 tours in vietnam, i forget that that also means he actually just lived in vietnam too......for years. i mean, it's one thing to fight a war and be stationed in a country where you might have a chance of blending in (if you didn't open your mouth in some cases), but there arent a lot of red headed, blue eyed, vietnamese. yes, of course he spent years fighting a war, but there are also other things he did in those years that are almost as surreal, in a way. it's weird to think of it like that. of him just living there. and going to the store. and getting a drink. and speaking vietnamese with his 'mama san' and the family he lived with. you know? like, he also just lived in vietnam. not only is this odd because i never think about how my dad did anything in vietnam but fight a war, but it is also odd because no one our age goes and lives in vietnam. it has this strange sacred air about it now. like this permanent scar on it, and people our age, and even a little older i guess, just seem to think of vietnam as some sort of place toward which we should be reverent because we once fucked with it, etc. i guess what im saying is, it's not really 'a vacation spot'. people our age move to/visit costa rica, or thailand. vietnam is not very en vogue...in fact, if you were like 'oh im totally moving to vietnam, just like, to do it, kind of for fun, etc' people would just think that was so weird. they would actually probably think you were some kind of asshole. so, i guess the idea of anyone (not real vietnamese people, obviously) just living in vietnam and going to the store and having a beer seems like a strange thing to think about....but especially when it's your dad. and it's the '70's. and there's a war on. and he is tall, with red hair and blue eyes. and you've never known him to live anywhere but where you lived with him. so. so. weird.

fox and foxy dudes on the subway

man. tonight was one of those nights where you just cant wait to get off the subway. not because it's particularly gross (which it can be) or slow (which i often is) but because you just have that feeling that something is going to happen. you know? like, i had to skip 'in the air tonight' when it came on on my ipod....too scary. ugh, there was just this insane crack head on the g tonight, and he just sat there, blowing me kisses and like licking his lips and kissing the air in my general direction. it was so creepy. just nothing felt right. ugh. sometimes the subway is freaky when youre just alone and it's 2am. it's really just way worse when there's only a few people on the train too.

OH! and i saw 'fantastic mr. fox' tonight. so good. so so good. i wish i was watching it again already. more on this later.

ok, so that's all i have in me right now i think. im just so tired. i have more to talk about, maybe, but it's 2.30am and i need sleeeeeeeep.

night.

acis

i submitted a paper proposal to the ACIS today. i wonder what will happen? they do more modern stuff, and my proposal is for a paper on the irish language in medieval ireland, but the guy wrote me back right away and said he was glad to see a proposal on the irish language....so maybe that's a good thing. if so, then i wish i'd written a more dynamic proposal....i guess i can get the paper to me a more dynamic paper. it's interesting, i guess, or so i think, but i guess i'll need to make it more (or maybe less??) about the historyography behind language study? actually, maybe more about that. that's the interesting bit anyway: the history of the history of the irish language.

anyway, this is all i can think about. this and how i wonder if i'll make rent this month. both are boring to talk about unless youre thinking about those things too, so i guess i'll stop here. i'll let you know how it goes with the proposal.

going rogue

sarah palin's 'going rogue' is causing a minor stir these days, and i think i'd like to comment on it. caitie, if you're reading this, you already know what im going to say, so i guess this will be boring for you. i apologize especially because i know you are in need of a disctraction from finals. i promise to blog about something more interesting soon.

now, i would like to offer you a link to an article to which i will be referring: Bay Area Not Maverick Enough to Read Palin Book.
the attitude espoused by one or two booksellers in this article is, as they say, 'what is wrong with america today', not palin's stupid book. see this quote:
"Our customers are thinking people," said Nathan Embretson, a bookseller at Pendragon Books in Oakland. "They're not into reading drivel."

is that right, nathan embretson? how interesting then that your establishment carries almost the full run of Nora Roberts books. the pure DEFINITION of 'thinking literature'. this is not a slight to nora, i read my first nora roberts book this summer and actually quite enjoyed it....probably more because there was a murder mystery involved and less because there was weird romance-y sex, but still. enjoyable. this idiot, embretson, carries Nora but not Palin and purports to be a bookseller who prefers not to carry drivel??? your suspicion should be peaked.....

what about this gem in reference to palin's book by emily stackhouse:
"Anything like that we wouldn't carry, we're a small store and it would probably gross us all out. Some things you carry because of freedom of speech, but a book like that is just gross."

UGH! infuriating. if the measure of what you carry in your bookstore=books that aren't gross, then i would be very interested to know exactly what is so fantastic and enlightening about 'Vampire Kisses: Dance With a Vampire' or uhmmm that Desperate Housewives cookbook, both of which Cover to Cover (the establishment in question) carries. i hate this. this is CLEARLY a more important book than the Desperate Housewives cookbook. Of COURSE it will be a ridiculous book, it will probably be idiotic at times, intolerable, difficult, and certainly annoying, however, all of this is important.

the book is written by a woman who could have been the vice president of this nation. she has written a book. i do not think that necessarily means she has anything interesting or valuable to say, though i havent read the book so who knows i guess, but i do think this is very important....especially since somewhere inside me i believe she may, one day, run for president. what a valuable tool for liberals and palin-haters (not that they are synonymous) alike! if this book is really as 'gross' and stupid as everyone is anticipating, then we should all read it, and hold her accountable for the things she says in it. the worst thing to do in a situation like this is to squeeze shut our eyes, plug our ears, and shake our heads. i am not advocating the purchase of this book, per se, but i do not think censorship, other than in extreme cases, is ever a good thing. unless palin is advocating genocide, teaching the average person how to build a bomb and hide it in a building, etc etc then no, i do not agree with the 'social banning' of her book. have some balls, california booksellers, carry it in your stores. instead of encouraging ignorance, encourage knowledge. if you hate palin, have a reason....not just that you think she's an idiot. read her book and quote her back to herself....or to your palin-hating friends, they'll def think you're super cool and funny.

this brings me to another point. do i think bookstores have the right to do 'good business'? yes. the article cited above also mentions the fact that this book is not selling in the bay area. one of the bolder booksellers, sheryl cotleur, carries the book and reminds us of the monetary motivations behind carrying limited, if any, stock in saying:
"Nobody around here is particularly interested in her politics or her opinions. There's a certain curiosity, sure. But I don't think that translates into what people are willing to pay money for."

no surprises there really, but thank you for your honesty, sheryl! SO do i think these bookstores are making a conscientious decision not to carry a book by which they are politically, socially, or personally offended...no, i dont. 2 of the sellers mention here carry books by which i could actually be offended if i let myself really think about it. i mean, honestly, i do not think a book about how to cook in lingerie and seduce your man really does anything too positive for women. i think they are making a smart business move by not buying a book that they know they cant/wont really sell; in other words, they know their demographic. i just wish they would stop pretending they are supporting some sort of fucking noble cause, and would admit to their own desire to be successful bookstores. i mean, really, are these people seriously pretending to get behind fucking vampire-sex novels? no! vampire shit sells right now, so they buy it because they can sell it.

essentially, it never ceases to amaze me how narrow minded people on both sides of the party line can be. and i mean, censorship is a pretty dangerous practice to applaud because it goes both ways. i'd love to hear the uproar that would ensue upon the discovery that somewhere in the country, and of course this is certainly happening somewhere, a bookseller refuses to carry either of obama's autobiographies....this scenario is complicated by the fact that he is the president so, yes i agree that this lends a certain amount of importance to his books, but what if he'd lost and booksellers refused to carry his books because they thought they were 'gross'. imagine.....

tbc

remind me tomorrow to talk about why it's not a thing to be like 'oh, well im a bitch, that's just me' and think that excuses your acting like a bitch.

yours,
carolann

what can you do with a sentimental heart?

i feel like i have failed NaBlaPoMo....not because i dont blog everyday, i do (almost). but because my blogs are almost all the same. other people are writing humorous things in their blogs, but i write the same old pap about how my life is unsatisfying at the moment. i'm not sure how to break this cycle....i am too invested in it....it's all i can think about.....i eat, breathe, and sleep this unsatisfactory life, im afraid. i wish i had more to offer you. but i dont know that i do at the moment.

so, here we are again, it's time to blog and i have various funny quips to make about lady gaga (who is a genius) and sarah palin (also a genius) in my arsenal, however, i almost feel as though writing about them when im so clearly obsessed with something else would be entirely exhausting. and, as we have already established, i am exhausted most of the time.

it's obvious that NaBloPoMo has fallen on the worst possible 'Mo' for me. it's only halfway done and already i have decided both my path in life AND that i have missed the boat on walking it and will have to wait a year before i can attempt to walk it again. ahem, my apologies for the extended metaphore. so, what does one do when they've decided too late to go to school? i have a year before i can apply again, and a year and a half before i find out if i will actually be going anywhere.....thus the question remains: now what? what to do with a year and a half of 'freedom' and no money? i wonder where i'll be a year from now. i'd like to think i'd be in italy, living with my family like i've been promising to do for the past 5 years, but who knows....i have been promising to do it for the past 5 years. i wonder if i'll be here in new york still, working some sort of random job and going out a bunch. i guess that wouldnt be so bad. i'd like to get to know new york better i think....and i dont mean street name and directions, of course. maybe this will just be the time when i was 25 and lived in new york. and i'll look back on it and think it was silly, but that it was fun. maybe i'll spend this year pining away after graduate programs, like i am already doing, and then i'll apply (this time next year) and then i'll take off for france for a few months. that would be ideal. spend a year getting together a great application and taking some more irish and maybe latin classes, submit to a few conferences, apply and then move again for a bit. obviously the plan is to make a little money over this next year too.

who knows. all i know is that there is blog about lady gaga brewing in my head and the only thing that comes out is existential b.s., oh well.

also, this is for caitlin: oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?

blah blah blah

let's be honest, i'm basically just treading water right now. it's making me feel crazy. i just paid my credit card bill, which was basically doubled (almost tripled actually) due to late fees....which were incurred because my card number was stolen and someone MADE A FAKE card and used it all over michigan. i tried to protest these late fees, but it's sunday and no one's around and i dont get off work early enough during the week to actually talk to someone, so i just paid it instead. i am also writing checks to the hospital for my emergency room visit....and the checks are big because i dont have health insurance....because i cant afford it. it's a vicious circle, really. and i dont make enough money to do anything to begin with so now i reallllly dont have money to do anything. so, i'm just treading water. let's just come out and say it.

man, i think this is going to be a whole blog post about complaining, so if you'd rather not listen to (or read, i guess) complaining, stop reading immediately because here we go!

i also need to stop this internship. for real. im glad it's ending in a couple weeks because i really cant afford to do it anymore. internships that pay you minimum wage are for college kids....or trust fund kids. real people cant work these things; they cant survive. and like, also, they are kind of a waste of time. i guess i learned some things, no, i mean, i did learn things, and it was fun, but it's not real. it's not a job. and it might not even lead to a job right away, so there's not really a point. i guess it looks good on your resume, but what if you're starting to realize you might not even want to work in publishing anyway? then what? i guess 3 months isn't really long enough to tell whether or not you want to work in publishing, but right now it just feels that way....probably because there arent any jobs right now and people are actually getting laid off in publishing.

also, i miss academia. i miss the stimulation and the excitement. and i miss teaching. i miss feeling like im doing something, like im contributing something to the world. i dont know. it's not that i think everyone needs to contribute, or that people who do other jobs arent contributing, it's just that i'm good at teaching, and i'm good at thinking, and reading, and writing, and i feel like realizing what youre good at is important. i miss being creative also, and inspired, and excited. all these other things i'm doing, going out, and seeing famous people in the restaurant, and doing sort of new york-y things, they just feel very transitory. like im grasping at these things in order to provide some sort of stimulus, and it works for a while, but then i end up back here, in front of my stupid computer, complaining about how i'm not doing what i want and how i have no money.

i fear the worst has begun......i think i am becoming boring.