WARNING: this post is sort of filled with feelings. sometimes that happens, i guess.
i love thinking. i just do. i love thinking, and talking about it. i know sometimes it makes me impossible, however, i guess the people who really love me don't mind.
it should be noted that even though i love thinking, it's also the bane of my existence. i cant turn it off. that's the problem. especially when you do something like go to grad school. all you do in grad school is think, and think, and think. and it's amazing, but it's also impossible to separate life from your 'job' in this instance. lots of people in lots of jobs have this problem, so im not saying it's a condition specific to grad school. anyway, when all you do is think, how do you make it stop? like, i spent 3 hours on the phone with caitlin today and we just analyzed one another as though we were texts (literary for me, legal for her). really though. weird. i guess it's the chicken/egg issue. am i in grad school because im overly-analytical? or am i overly-analytical because im in grad school?
i lied. i know the answer to that question. im in grad school because im overly-analytical.
also, i love caitlin. that's got nothing to do with grad school, it's just a thing.
caitlin, if you're reading this, i love you. more than that, actually, i appreciate you.
it's always strange to hear things about yourself relayed back to you. sometimes i forget what an asshole i had been between the ages of about 13/14-20. i know we're all assholes during those years, but i really was. tonight caitlin reminded me of how she threw her shoe at me, and about how i deserved it. and about the time that i called her when i needed her, and she snuck out to help me, but never found me. i just lost it for a while i guess. i've blocked a lot of that time of my life out, but it's important to remember sometimes.
caitlin, if you're reading this, i'm sorry.
isn't strange not only when we look back on our lives and see the mistakes we've made, but also when we see them happen as we're making them? i knew, i think. i knew what i was doing, but i did it. i allowed myself to get lost. you know that feeling? how awful. it's especially sad to think that i had so many people who loved me, and wanted the best for me, and that i was awful to them. caitlin will always know that my rational facade is just that, a facade. i'm sure she'll never forget the things i said, or did, or didn't do. it's good to have those people around; they keep you honest. i really do forget who i was then. well, i guess it's a sort of active forgetting. i think we all have periods in our lives like that. or maybe, a lot of us do? it's probably the 'teen years' for a lot of us. it's just sad when you make mistakes in those years that you will never shake. hmmmm. i just remember my parents telling me that i was closing doors at the precise time when doors should be opening. i didn't understand that then, or anyway i didn't care. now i do.....both understand and care.
how do you instill that in your kids? i guess you just never stop working/trying with them. well, except you might have to at some point. i also remember my dad telling me that, if it came down to it, he would give up on me. i dont know what he really would have done if it had ever 'come down to that' but he scared the shit out of me nonetheless, which was probably the point.
anyway, i guess all i'm saying is that growing up is hard, and what they don't tell you, is that growing up doesnt actually start until your mid-twenties. before that, you're just aging, and maybe learning a little. i see that now.
us, circa the beginning of time:
dearest, dearest friend,
we have the ability to survive so much. so much that happens, so much that we do to ourselves. it's amazing really. it's like, one day youre in the thick of it, and then the next youre looking down your hands, and you realize that you've used them to dig your own way out. and it worked. or that you were shit up a creek without a paddle, and used your hands as paddles. whichever metaphor you prefer. either way, we are just so strong sometimes that it's shocking. you are that strong. i know you know that, but i just wanted to tell you. i wanted to tell you that, and that i've learned something from you. youve taught me that being honest about things like love, and sadness, and disappointment, and joy is a strength. that loving, and caring, and doing these things to the point of distraction is a strength. youre afraid of other things, i am sure, and you are weak in other ways, i am sure, but you have a braveness i have never had; you let them right in, you let them build a little fire in your chest, a fire that you stoke, and fan, and keep burning for as long as you can. i hope i dont sound too trite. i probably do, but i dont care. you should know that i admire you, even when your strength leads to your downfall i admire you. and i love you, and i am just glad that i found you, or that we found each other, and that you didnt let me let you go. im glad that we sat in your car when we were 17 and you told me that you'd always love me, and that you'd always be my friend, no matter what i had done. and im glad that you meant it. and im glad that, somehow, i heard you, and i knew you weren't lying. anyway, you should know that the same goes double for me. it's taken me a bit longer to learn about things that seem to come naturally to you, but i am learning. and i love you. a lot.
that's all i really wanted to say.
sincerely,
carolann
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